 |  | untitled |
 |
|
|||||||||||||
|
It could have been hurried. A decision made far too quickly to please her. To reassure myself that I wasn't falling into a trap of normality. Of being as thoroughly boring as everyone else around me. Maybe it was just to spite the guy whose words I used to listen to so intently every Sunday. It could as easily have been because it seemed like an easy explanation to some of my non-existent-half-made-up-bull shit-problems. Maybe I was tempted by the swirl of colors and the life you saw in the movies. How the shes always ended up bawling out their eyes and how the hes ended with a wedding more perfect than their relationship. I wanted what the hes had. I didn't want to live the everyday life that I watched my parents endure every day. They were happy. I was happy. We were happy. Most of the time. We weren't special or unique we didn't really stand out from the other people in the neighborhood. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I think I wanted more. I wanted people to look at me when I walked down the street. I didn't care how as long as it was me they were looking at. Maybe I would have even shredded every last piece of clothing as I walked if it would have captured their attention. Maybe I wouldn't have. I've always been so damn indecisive which is why it came as a surprise. Sometimes I dread the day I find out I was just lying to myself all of these years. I don't think particularly much about how it'll mess up me, but I do think about what it'll do to the people in my life. But then again who's to say that that day will ever come? Maybe I really am as colorful as they all think. Maybe the gray shades I see in myself are really just shadows waiting for a bit of sunlight. Waiting for something so intense like the moment when you think that you've figured it all out. The moment where you think you know who you are only to realize that you're constantly morphing merging and changing into something else. That you can't even stay the same for three minutes. That there's really no you because you only exist for a short span of moments before you become someone else. I think I wanted to become someone else; someone more attractive. Someone who attracted more attention. That might have been where it went wrong. I find myself constantly worrying that if I don't soon realize who I really am, I'll have the whole world convinced that I'm this fake interesting person. This unique persona full of life and colors when in reality I'm just different shades of black and white slowly turning into a solid block of gray. I can't stop thinking about the fact that I might be wrong. It's not there constantly knocking on the inside of my skull making me sweat with anxious worry. It's just this dull ache that sometimes presents itself. It sits right in my chest. Right on my heart. Right on my freaking heart. And it's beating this calm rhythm, and I don't want it. I don't want the calm non-chaotic life. I don't want a heart that doesn't jump out of my chest every time I think about doing something scary or crazy. I want to feel anxious when I'm about to go see the person I think I might like. But my heart is beating with something that might as well be fake. Who's to say that the emotions within me are real? Maybe they're just a projection or what I want to feel. I might only feel them because I want to be different so badly that my mind and my body has decided to conspire against me with a fake tornado of emotions that really mean nothing at all. Maybe my body really hates me because I couldn't figure out what I believed were true. I might feel disgusted by normality, but I don't mind it. And there might be something unbelievably attractive about the uniqueness of having people staring at you because you're the only one that Sunday who's not like the others but I'm not sure I like it. Maybe I'm just a swirl of undecided colors that are constantly lowering in saturation until they're gray. Maybe I can't decide, and I'll be stuck pulled in three directions. A gray mass morphing into a triangle. | ||||||||||||||
Du skal være logget ind, før du kan kommentere og vurdere!
